he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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