After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
