does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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