i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
