They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
