woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
