My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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