We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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