i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
