3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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