Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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