i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
