she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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