I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
