the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
