I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
