sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
