Just took my morning after pill in the library
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
