Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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