thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
