Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
People in love make me want to vomit
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
