Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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