I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
