new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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