I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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