Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
