Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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