There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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