life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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