I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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