its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
