I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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