I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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