Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
