my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Someone shattered a urinal.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
