just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
