32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
