peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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