I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
