he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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