3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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