Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
