Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
