Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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