This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
