when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
