dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
