Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
