im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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