everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
