Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
